"It doesn't!" I catch myself barking at him "look I don't care what you guys do, all right? I didn't mean to be a dick it just happened"

"Whatever" he walks out. I don't think Nash and I have ever fought about anything, this is all my fault for being so fucking weird, why do I have a problem with Ricky? He's never done anything to me


Spending my night thinking about everything that happened I feel myself piecing it together. Just thinking about what they do together turns my stomach for some reason, why do I freaking care!

Every time something weird happens between us Nash and I just ignore each other for a few days. I need time away from him because I feel myself getting too close for comfort, maybe the flirting was getting to my head so I need to cut it out with him.

"What do you mean you think you're homophobic?" My mom asks as I walk home and talk to her "It makes me feel weird when Nash has guys over, I think about that way too much ma. I don't want


to be homophobic but it's starting to really bother me"

"Have you felt like that before?"


"No or I don't think so" getting home "any way we'll talk about this later I'm home" "Sure call me soon"

"Bye mom" hanging up I turn my key in the door walking in. "Oh fuck" is my first reaction seeing

something I'd hope I never had to.

Pulling away from their kiss Nash and Ricky stand up turning to me "didn't think you'd be back so early"

"Yeah, I wish I hadn't" I make a face walking back out the door. Seeing that really messed with my stomach, I got out of there as quick as possible practically gasping for clean air. I'm pretty sure I'm ready to throw up, what the fuck was that?! Why would he be kissing him right there on our couch? Even I wouldn't do something so fucked up!

God, I really wish I hadn't seen that. "Hey" a girls voice calls out as I'm walking trying to calm this gut-wrenching feeling I'm having. Turning I see Bevin walking closer with a smile "you're out late"

"Oh um just walking" I continue to walk and she joins me "So what's new?" She asks

"Nothing, you?"

"Yeah same, classes just kicking my ass the regular" "Sorry about that"

I'm so uninterested in what she's saying and I think she could tell "you ok? You seem a little pale"

"I'm fine" as I'm walking my phone vibrates in my pocket, taking it out I see Nash's name and I immediately ignore the call

"So if you're not busy wanna come over to my place and hang? I got drinks" Nash has got me so fucked in the head with this ugh! I mean it's not like I didn't know what he did with those guys but it's one thing to think about it then to see it, and thinking about it was already too much for me "Forrest?"

"Huh?" I completely forget Bevin was even there "My house for drinks?"

"Uh nah, I'm good" I blow her off "I'll see you around" turning the other direction I walk away from her.

—

Do you know how hard it is to avoid someone you live with? Dodging Nash has been difficult the last 2 days after the incident. I think I'm calmer now but I can't face him because I don't know how to explain that reaction, the physical ache I felt in my stomach seeing them kiss, seeing Ricky kiss him.

"Do you have a problem with me seeing Ricky?" Nash stops me as soon as I get out of the bathroom in the middle of the night I'm half asleep this is the last thing I need right now "What? No"

"You clearly do because you've been acting so fucked up towards us lately"

"I'm just going through personal shit all right" I could've thought of a better lie honestly

"I don't believe you, Forrest, if you have a problem just tell me, so I can tell you how unfair I find it because I never bitched when you

brought Bevin here almost every freaking day." He gets mad

"Look, Nash, you're right I shouldn't have a problem with it, but just you guys being here I don't know why but-"

"So it does bother you?"

I'm choosing now at 3 in the morning to be honest because maybe that'll get me back to bed quicker. "I don't care what you guys do."

Honest enough, walking past him I head to my room but before I make it in he turns to me and says "So you don't have a problem with me sleeping with him, right? As long as we don't do it here?" Not

answering I go into my room shutting my door.

Why'd he have to say it like that? Like I'm putting him out or something, shit was actually changing between us and I hated myself and the situation even more. Why is it just him? I don't care about other gay people and the shit they do, just Nash. If I don't figure out a way to apologize I'm going to lose his friendship and that might be shittier than anything going on.

The night of sleep was basically ruined thinking about Nash and all the shit that's been going on with me, why do I keep saying I don't care when it's obvious that I do? And what he said last night really stuck to me, I don't have a problem with him sleeping with Ricky as long as he's not doing it here. Why's he even sleeping with that fucking guy? God just that imagination makes my stomach feel wrong.

Ok, what the hell is wrong with me? Why do I actually give a shit? I have to do something or I'll think myself into hating both Nash and me, and I don't want to hate him I really don't. Knowing he's been at work all day, after my classes, I stop and get a pizza before going home.

Finding the place empty I place the pizza on the counter waiting nervously, I have to talk to him. Checking my watch every 5 minutes the time slowly moves to when he should be home, work should

be done by now. All I have to say is I'm going to get over my shit and everything will be fine, I won't

care who he sleeps with, not Ricky not anyone. But I hope it's not Ricky I just don't like that guy. Hearing the key going off in the door I stop and stare until he walks in, my hopes are shot to hell the moment freaking Ricky follows in right behind him.