Here we are, in my room door locked, music playing, and us with our shoes off on my bed kissing. Reaching for his jacket I pull it off tossing it to my chair but it falls, his hand holds my thigh while the other caresses my face. This is a good start, us gently making out in my bed, but we couldn't kiss forever so I say "do you have a condom? Who's doing what? I mean I don't mind being at the bottom if that's what you want, because I do want to give you what you want, you know? But then also what if I don't like that? I really don't want it to hurt-"

"Woah babe" Elliot kisses my neck to calm me down, "come back." With my face hovering over his he stares at me while caressing my cheek, "you don't have to bottom if you don't want to, I don't mind. As for condoms, I've got plenty." He takes them out of his pocket "I made sure to get both your size and mine just in case" a fun reminder that he's bigger than I am. "You can fuck me or we can take turns, whatever you want." That's all the reassurance that I'll ever need, not.


Pulling away I sit up and he stays laying down, "I don't mind being the bottom as long as we take our time so it won't hurt too bad."

"Ok" he nods agreeing

"But that's not all of it though" I stare at him as he waits for me to speak my mind, which isn't much of a problem for us we tell each other everything, but I'm feeling kind of insecure about saying this out loud. "I wish I was your first, maybe Then it'd feel a little less like this is something I'm going through alone, while you're so chill about it."


"You think I'm chill?" He sits up too

"No not chill like you don't care but more like it's just sex for you, something you've obviously done before." He stares at me and I feel like a fucking dummy, none of this is cool!


"I get what you're saying" he scoots closer causing his amazing soft hair to bounce, "but that's not true, for me at least. I am honored that I'm who you decided to lose your virginity to, so that's not something I'm taking lightly. I want this to be perfect for you because you're always perfect for me, and I feel like this is all I can give you without majorly fucking it up."

"Not true" I shake my head, "you've fucked up a lot already" he gasps and we both laugh "kidding. You really think I'm perfect?"

"I know casting you in such an unidealistic box is not fair, but it's what I think" "It's very untrue but still nice to hear."

Pulling me close "what? Sherman High agriculture club presidents can't be perfect?" He lays back down with me on his chest

"You make fun of me for that but one day we're going to have award-winning gardens, you'll see." "We are?" I'm caught living in the future again, why did I have to say that? Of course, we're not, it's

not like I've fantasied about us getting married, him being a cool dad to our fat kids who hate me,

because I'm the parent forcing vegetables down their throats. "No" I answer, "gardens are dumb" I played that off nicely.

"Yeah they are" he agrees and I lift my head to look at him, "farms are where it's at! We're gonna

have a huge ass backyard with a shit ton of animals that we'll have to force our kids to feed." I love this man

Climbing on top I start to kiss him, he pulls my shirt off, then I take off his hoodie. His hands caress my ass while our lips never part, I can just feel my nerves calming, why was I even nervous in the first place? Elliot is perfect and I have nothing to worry about

Wait yes I do "we can't yet" I pull away. Climbing off him I get off the bed putting my shirt on, "god I'm so stupid!"

"What?" He looks at me confused "I'm not clean," I say embarrassed

"Not clean?" He questions "as in you have an..." I look at him as he finishes a sentence which he seems very afraid to, "std?"

"What no!" Could you imagine?! "I mean I didn't prep or anything, I did some research and if I'm bottoming I need to be as fresh as a daisy,

right?" Throwing his head back Elliot laughs "yeah that's the reaction I wanted"

"No I'm-" he grabs my hand and gets off the bed "I'm sorry," he muffles the rest of his laughter. "Yes you do have to be clean, that's an important part"

"I know!" I walk to my dresser opening a drawer "that's why I got this" "Oh my god, what is that?"

"It's a..." I thought a douching device, that's what they're called right? "I got it online, says it's supposed to get the job done."

"Lucky, why is it so gangly?"

I shrug "Are they not supposed to look like this?"

"I don't think so" he scoffs and I feel like a moron the more I ask "So I didn't even get this right?" I sigh

"No I'm sure you did, here get the instructions I'll help you." Oh god I have to put an end to this "Actually I think I might need to figure this one out on my own," I hide the thing back in my drawer "Are you sure?" I nod "I mean I can help you"

"I know and I love you for that but I want some intimacy between us, and you teaching me how to douche just isn't it." Grabbing his hoodie and jacket I hand them to him

"That's it?"

"I'm so sorry I wasted your time I honestly thought I was ready." I can't even look at him in the face right now, "but I'm not and when I actually am this'll be so much better."

I walk him to the door as he puts his clothes on then takes his bag from my hand, "Luck I really feel like you should let me help you."

He is so hot and nice it's really ruining a lot for me, yes hot guy who decided out of everyone in our entire school I'm who you want to be with, I want you to help me douche. But then you'd be helping me douche and I don't think either of us would be able to look at each other in the face after that happens. "Elliot I will master this one alone then we'll try this-" I motion between him and I, "again." I'm gonna bullshit my way through this until I can shut the door. "We have four days, what's the rush, right?" Says me who was practically on his dick 5 minutes ago

"Ok no problem" he opens the door then turns back to me, "will you at least talk to me about how it's going?"

"Maybe" my awkward smile definitely means no I won't be, "call me?" He nods "when I get off work tonight we'll FaceTime, ok?"

"Ok" we kiss and he leaves. Holy fuck! Maisie was right, I am so not ready.